Some will roll their eyes, because inwardly I have when I've heard men and women say they're trying to find themselves. I'd listen and nod appropriately, but I never knew how to respond. It always sounded like an excuse for selfish behavior to me. I get it now. Or at least what they're saying I understand.
Call it hormones going crazy for the last time or just reaching the half-century mark, but I now can't ignore the uneasiness I've felt at times in my life. Or more that I don't want to ignore it. I want to understand it. The feeling that I'm watching my life and not really living and feeling it like I believe others are their own. The moments of utter loneliness and despair of feeling not enough and not worthy. Perhaps because of what we do as artists, seeking out memories and thoughts and feelings, I feel I know who I am. I don't really need to find myself. But I do need to accept myself as enough. I need to stop comparing, stop the fear of trying new things, be okay with anxiety. That last one will be tough, because I hate feeling anxious, but I'm learning that's how we grow.
So, I'm giving myself a Valentine's gift: I've felt grateful in the past for the love of an extremely intelligent, handsome, and generous man. Today I am saying I am worthy of being loved by him. I am grateful we met. He is not the most patient man, but I am worthy of his patience as I work out some things. I am enough.
PS. An earlier post about a book I've started reading titled Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life has started giving me some insight into detrimental thought patterns. I am looking forward to learning how to change ineffective, and in some cases destructive, habitual reactions. This is going to take time, but I figure this is all part of our journey.